The Tragicomedy of Romilda and Julius
by Lahel
Summary: A really weird project I had to do for English; parodying acts 4 and 5 of Romeo and Juliet.


**Yo! So, for my English project, I had to write a parody of Acts 4 and 5 with my group. I wrote the script. Now that it's graded and all, I thought it'd be fun to put on here. Because my group had 1 boy and 3 girls, we switched around the genders to make it easier for us all. The song "Julius!" is based on Fabulous from high school musical- don't ask. You'll regret it. So, Friar Lawrence is Friar Lawton (that was the last name of one of the girls in the group), Count Paris is Countess Paris, Romeo is Romilda, Juliet is Julius. I think that's all... Enjoy!**

Act IV Scene i

(FRIAR and COUNTESS are facing each other. SERVANT is doing who knows what.)

FRIAR

This Thursday, ma'am? You seem to be in a rush.

COUNTESS

It's not me so much as Lord Capulet. However, I have no wish to slow it down either.

FRIAR

You barely know him!

COUNTESS

I know him enough. (Music starts, at first quietly, but louder.) Immoderately he weeps for Tybalt's death. If I could help him get over that, it'll be enough for me. Besides, I want Julius.

COUNTESS (FRIAR & SERVANT as backup)

(Singing.) I want (She wants) Julius

That is my (her) simple request.

All things Julius!

Bigger and better and best.

(Enter JULIUS.)

FRIAR

Speak of the Devil...

COUNTESS

(Singing.) I've never really wanted someone like this before

But we're getting married Thursday and I want more!

(Flirtatiously.) Hey darling! Are you lost? Heaven's a long way from here.

JULIUS

Uh...

COUNTESS

(Checks his jacket tag.) Just as I thought, we're a match made in heaven!

JULIUS

(Harshly.) Why would I want you?

FRIAR

(Singing.) Because she's fabulous!

COUNTESS

Ciao ciao, sweeties!

(COUNTESS exits with SERVANT.)

JULIUS

Thank God she's gone. (Shivers.) She unnerves me. Help me, please!

FRIAR

I understand. I hear you have to marry her Thursday?

JULIUS

(Calmly.) I won't. I refuse. (Takes out dagger.) Even if I must kill myself, I am bound to Romilda, and I will never betray her.

FRIAR

(Passionately, with arms flailing wildly.) HOLD IT! CALM YOURSELF DOWN, MAN! (She slaps him.) I have a plan.

JULIUS

(Skeptically.) What?

FRIAR

(Takes dagger.) Stop carrying around daggers! Julius, listen to me. I'm going to give you this Draught of the Living Death™, only $9.99 from Snape's Secret Stocks. You need to drink it on the night before the wedding to insure it never happens.

JULIUS

(Confused.) But Friar... why can't Romilda and I just run away together as it is?

FRIAR

What do you mean?

JULIUS

My father has already threatened to kick me out, why don't I just run away. Take a walk, meet up with Romilda and never come back?

FRIAR

(Dismissively.) No, it's too simple. It'll never work.

JULIUS

Alright. I'll act obedient so that we don't get suspected.

FRIAR

Oh! (Slaps forehead with hand.) Good idea. I didn't even think of that.

Act IV Scene iii (Julius's soliloquy)

JULIUS

(Impatiently.) Nurse, Mother, leave! I need to drown in my self pity. (The door closes. JULIUS turns to face the audience, holding a vial.)

(Rapping.) There's no guarantee

That this will not killeth me.

Should I be married morrow morn?

And face the people full of scorn?

If the vial doesn't do exactly as I ask

(He takes out THE knife.)

Then this knife shall surely finish the task.

With Romilda I'll stand fore'er

But with the Countess, I will never.

But what if I wake in the tomb?

What if I wake to my doom?

What if I am greeted by ghosts

Angry to see me with the one they hate most?

And by my side Tybalt will be

Haunting me for eternity.

And I in the tomb will be deaf and blind

Slowly left to lose my mind;

To play with my forefathers' bones

And then surely will I not die alone?

Oh who cares? I'll take this chance

For the sake of my love, my dear romance.

(He drinks the potion, and falls.)

Act IV Scene v

(FRIAR's phone is ringing. FRIAR and COUNTESS come on stage. FRIAR answers her cell.)

FRIAR

(Pauses between each sentence.) Come, is the groom ready to go to church? WHAT? Julius? Are you serious? How can this be? Yes, I see. I'll arrange the funeral right away. Alright. (To COUNTESS.) He wishes to speak with you.

COUNTESS

Who? And what funeral?

FRIAR

(Grimly.) Lord Capulet... and the funeral of Julius.

(COUNTESS, with wide eyes full of shock, takes the phone.)

COUNTESS

(Pauses between each sentence. Sorrowfully.)Yes, Lord Capulet? Have I thought long to see this morning's face, and doth it give me such a sight as this? I understand. It's terrible, but I'll manage. My condolences.

(COUNTESS ends the call and gives the phone to FRIAR. She wipes a tear.)

What a tragedy!

(She exits.)

FRIAR

(Texting while speaking out loud) Rom, J is not rly ded. Come fast 2 pick him up. xoxo, Friar Lawton. (She clicks send, then exits.)

Act V Scene i

(ROMILDA is humming the Song That Never Ends while skipping. She stops directly in front of the audience.)

ROMILDA

(Joyfully.) Oh happy day! I had a dream that I died but was revived when Julius kissed the life back into me. Freud was right when he said dreams originate from libido. If only my man was here next to me.

(Two loud GOSSIPERS come by.)

GOSSIPER 1

Did you hear?

GOSSIPER 2

What about?

GOSSIPER 1

That Capulet boy.

GOSSIPER 2

Oh? What of him?

GOSSIPER 1

(Dramatic pause.) He's dead! He was to marry the Countess, but they found him dead.

ROMILDA

(Panicking.) What? Is it e'en so? Then I defy you, stars! Are there any messages on my phone? (She checks.) No, the phone is dead, just like dear Julius. My poor Julius! (She turns around frantically before pointing to a BEGGAR.) You there! You look suspicious enough. Do you have any poisons that'll kill me?

BEGGAR

(Stuttering.) N-no, why'd you ever think that? (Stage whispers.) I do have weed though. Dandelions are in season!

ROMILDA

(Pompously.) The stuttering and the way you glanced to the left gives you away. (She grabs his hand.) As do your sweaty palms. I'll give you money if you give me poison.

BEGGAR

Money? (Interested.) How much?

ROMILDA

Forty gold pieces.

BEGGAR

Fifty.

ROMILDA

Two-and-forty.

BEGGAR

(Enthusiastically.) DEAL! (Shakes hand, and leaves a vial before leaving.) Sucker~

ROMILDA

Now onto the tomb which I rightfully should have no idea as to where it is but do for the sake of plot holes! Well, Julius, I'll lie with thee tonight.

Act V Scene ii

(Two GOSSIPERS walk by FRIAR.)

GOSSIPER 3

(Valley Girl fashion.) OMG, Romilda still hasn't answered my text, ugh.

GOSSIPER 4

(Valley Girl fashion.) Mine either. It's cuz her phone is like always dead.

FRIAR

(Panicky.) GASP! UNHAPPY FORTUNE! HER PHONE MIGHT BE DEAD! TO THE CRYPT! Where's my crowbar?

(FRIAR exits.)

Act V Scene iii

(ROMILDA and COUNTESS are at JULIUS' tomb.)

COUNTESS

You dare try to desecrate my hubby's grave after all you have done? I call a duel!

ROMILDA

(Resigned.) Wilt thou provoke me? Then have at thee, girl!

(ROMILDA and COUNTESS fight. ROMILDA breathes heavily.)

ROMILDA

(Screaming.) Wait! Give me five minutes. (Ten seconds later.) ATTACK!

COUNTESS

You said five minutes! (Parries.)

ROMILDA

(Dryly.) We're dueling, what did you expect?

(COUNTESS swipes her sword. ROMILDA bends over backwards, all in slow motion. COUNTESS hits ROMILDA.)

ROMILDA

Wait! YOU are supposed to die!

COUNTESS

(Challenging.) Yeah? Says who?

ROMILDA

The playwright!

COUNTESS

(Condescendingly, as if talking to a child.) Well guess what? I quit! (She bangs the sword on the floor.) I mean, I deserve Julius because I'm fabulous- (the song "Julius!" is played in the background for a second.) -but why is he with you? (She turns around, as if to leave. ROMILDA stabs her.)

ROMILDA

YES! (Fist pumps the air.)The playwright is always right!

COUNTESS

Ooh! I'm dying! Julius! NOO! (Pause. Surprised.) Wait, I'm not dead yet!

ROMILDA

I'll fix that.

(ROMILDA stabs COUNTESS again. COUNTESS groans about being buried with JULIUS. ROMILDA ignores her and turns towards JULIUS.)

ROMILDA

My dear Julius. What would be the meaning of a life without you? (Pause.) Oh, that's right. Forty-two. The only way to be happy is now nonexistent; a nonentity. It's impossible for me to live without you. Well, time to die with this lethal dose of cyanide! Mmm, almondy. Don't try this at home, kids.

(JULIUS wakes up.)

JULIUS

Wait!

ROMILDA

(Annoyed.) Now what?

(ROMILDA spots JULIUS.)

ROMILDA

(Shocked.) OMG, it's Julius! I thought you were dead! The only way you could have survived is if Friar Lawton gave you some sort of miracle potion like the Draught of the Living Death™ and you faked it all… But that can't happen; this isn't a Korean evening drama. Or you could be a sparkly vampire, as I did only see you under artificial light and moonlight… But this isn't some poorly written teenage romance, either. (Taps chin thoughtfully.)

JULIUS

(Awkwardly.) Umm…

ROMILDA

(Logically.) Therefore, when you eliminate the impossible, what's left is the answer. You must be my hallucination! Goodbye, hallucination. I'm going to Julius.

JULIUS

(Desperately.)Wait! Your theory was right! I'm here, for real!

ROMILDA

(Cautiously.) You're a sparkly vampire?

JULIUS

(Face palms.) No, the miracle potion!

ROMILDA

(Embarrassedly.) Oh. Well… That changes nothing. The play must go on!

(ROMILDA drinks the poison and dies. )

JULIUS

Romilda! My life is pointless without you. I'll only live a life of pain and loneliness if I stay. I guess I'll die too.

(JULIUS stabs himself. FRIAR enters.)

FRIAR

What in the world happened here? Oh look, a convenient letter because we only have four people in our group and desperately need to end the play. (Picks up letter on the floor.)

"Dear Audience,

In the aftermath, Romilda's mother dies, people build statues in honor of Romilda and Julius, the feud is over, and Countess Paris, bless her soul, is dead. Thank you for watching our play.

Love,

The Cast of Methodically Mad"

(The dead start humming "JULIUS!")

(Blackout.)


End file.
